I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
