So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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