it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
