just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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