maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
