I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
