I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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