just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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