I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Apparently you make a good broom.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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