My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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