Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
