yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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