I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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