Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
