Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize