Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
