Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
