i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
