oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
