I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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