I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
