I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
