Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize