I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
