:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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