i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
