cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
