Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
