I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
