It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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