Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
