Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
