I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
