i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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