He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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