hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
