it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
