He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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