I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
