yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dear god my vagina.
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