Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
