Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
