Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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