In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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