Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
