Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
