i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if only i could text you this smell
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
