how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
sarcasm needs its own font
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
