Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
