Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
