Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
