so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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