I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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