you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
