I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
