I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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