You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
