i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
