I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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