I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
