Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize