At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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