I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
