Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
